


Becoming One with Yourself

by kneightmare



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe, F/M, Gen, On going., Reader Insert
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-11-22
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2018-01-02 08:16:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 18,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1054545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kneightmare/pseuds/kneightmare
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Prologue —</b><br/>“<i>..e..ve..!</i>”</p><p>    Huh. That was strange. You swore you heard something and that voice was pretty familiar.</p><p>    “<i>S...e..ve!</i>”</p><p>    There it was again. That same familiar voice. It sounded like it was a guy… perhaps a little panicked, too. You couldn’t quite figure out what he was trying to say, either. It didn’t sound like a word that you’ve heard before. Also, what the hell was with this killer bloody headache?</p><p>    Ah, whatever. Deep down, you weren’t in control of yourself any more and the only thing you did know was that you were tired and having a hard time staying awake.</p><p>    That was also when the nightmares started.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Remembrance

**Author's Note:**

> GENERAL — For plot purposes, your name is Seven. You will be in for a joy ride. You will experience feelings that reflect all colors of the rainbow. If you don't like darker themes and material, parts of this story will not be for your enjoyment. Have fun!
> 
> WARNING — This story will contain information referenced in the Shingeki no Kyojin mangas. If you haven’t or don’t plan to read it, don’t read past this point. This story may include triggers.

    “ _Hauphnn!_ ” You began gasping for air as you regained consciousness, sitting up as straight as you could as you realized that you were no longer trapped in a nightmare. However you quickly doubled over in excruciating pain, causing you to gasp and wheeze for air. You had little room to really yell in pain; the best you could do was whimper between breaths as you held your hand underneath your ribcage.

    Your eyes darted around frantically, trying to process your surroundings as you laid twisted on your chest, trying to ease the pain and control your breathing. You realized that you were in a foreign building and that considering no one came rushing to your side, you were also alone. It was probably midday by the looks of the sky that you could see through framed windows.

 _Where the hell am I?_ You thought to yourself, unable to physically speak without the feeling of fear. Somehow, you thought that by talking your breath would escape, unable to return to your body as the searing ache continued to torture your soul. What was worse? You couldn’t remember a damn thing.

    Struggling, you somehow tore through the agony with sheer will power; you sat back up, determined to understand the situation and save yourself. You did just that, too. You managed to stand up after a minute or two of struggling, already feeling as if it had been hours since you actually awoke, but you gritted your teeth wondering how far you could actually go. You didn’t dare take a step at the moment, either; you felt unsteady and found that your knees felt like they were ready to collapse on you.

    Still fighting for control of your own body, you felt a sudden warmth at your abdomen, as if someone had wrapped a warm blanket around you and were waiting for you to fall back down on the bed behind you. Despite the feelings of euphoria, you felt a subtle trace of something more sinister lurking at the core of this newfound mystery. You looked over your shoulder as if expecting someone to be there behind you, yet you found nobody. Instead, you continued to investigate yourself. So you looked down, finding yourself wearing a thin hospital gown and no trace of other bodily clothing.

    As if that wasn’t already alarming enough by itself, you really panicked when you realized you were bleeding at your ribcage… and between your legs.

    “ _Seven!_ ”

    You turned around quickly towards the sound of an opening door, barely able to look at a tall figure currently standing at the door frame before your weak knees gave out on you, sending you down into a small pool of your own blood.

    It felt like you couldn’t catch enough air, either.

    “Oh m- s-stay still, Seven. It’s okay. It’s going to be okay... _W-where’s she…? H-hanji! Where’s Hanji?_ ”

    “ _I’m right here._ Move out of the way, Jean.”

    _I’m so tired,_ you again thought to yourself, desperation sinking into your very being while trying to frantically get a hold of yourself. Yet, as it turns out, you weren’t in voluntary control; it was something that you were being to resent. What in God’s name is going on?

    That was the last thing you could remember thinking before everything going black.

 

### Nightmare #1 - Bitter-Sweet Beginnings.

    Everyone started life somewhere, mainly from their birth. However, one girl’s life started the year she enrolled into the army. The look of life did not bounce like the rays of sunshine on her face and it didn’t so much as crack when Instructor Shadis turned on his heel, passing the last row. This young girl stood straight, faintly listening to most of his lecturing and mind breaking, even the sound of face-wrecking he gave to some guy up in front.

    It looks like now he was coming straight to you, the young girl who was beginning her life anew.

    “Oh?” Shadis towered above your smaller, childish figure, eyes appearing lifeless to a guy who’s seen the faces of the rainbow before. You looked disproportionate, like you weren’t growing into yourself right, and your hair had been recently chopped short, something that was almost unseen in female species during this era. “ _And what makes a deadbeat like you wanna join our forces? You don’t even look like a decent offering for a damn dog._ ”

    You said nothing, receiving wandering looks from around you; you’ve effectively somehow captured everyone’s attention.

    “I said, _who the **fuck** are you, girl_? What makes you think you’re going to get anywhere in life? You look like a god damn fish, half dead from bein’ beaten too hard by the bottom of my fucking shoe.”

    “I’m Seven, sir.” Your voice did not waver, yet it was not confident either. You didn’t seem to be captured by fear, but instead trapped in a spiraling tower of inner chaos.

    “Seven? _What kind of fucking name is that?_ ” The vein in Shadis’ head bulged, daring to break. A few more eyes wandered, almost certain that you were going to be thrown out of here for not taking this seriously. Little did they know... “I’m going to give you one last chance, girl. What’s your name and where do you come from?”

    “Sir. My name is Seven and I came from... here.” You clarified again, this time right into the eyes of your future beloved Instructor Lockjaw.

    “ ** _Ah,_** so you’re not just some lifeless doll after all.”

    “No, sir. Just an orphan.”

    A few audible coughs escaped the lips of some of the others. You already knew that you now have been branded as the underdog now, but the instructor’s eyes almost seemed like it softened, now beginning to understand the sheen your eyes held. It may not have been anything unique, but something in your eyes had an extraordinary effect with the spitting man in front of you.

    “I see.” He began, almost mumbling. “I didn’t realize you lived through hell already. Shame that you had to return to live through it again, tenfold.”

    Nervously, some of the guys around you shifted with uncertainty lacing their faces. They couldn’t decide why what made them feel awkward; you were an outsider, right? So why was it that they felt that you had an edge on them?

    “If anyone’s going to survive hell on Earth, it might just be you, huh? Well... _welcome to fucking military camp, Seven. I’m looking forward to the **challenge** that was sent with you._ ”


	2. Chapter 2

   Shifting your head from one side to another, you slowly lifted your eyelids and took in a considerably more calming breath of air. For a few moments, your body seemed to have forgotten how to make use of your fingers but after playing around, your motor skills returned clumsily and you were able to touch your face.

 _Where am I?_ You wondered, noticing something a little more familiar this time. It was the surrounding vicinity - you recognized this to be the critical patient care room in the infirmary. You must have been back on base, which left you with the question… what in the world have you been dreaming?

   “Ugh…” You moaned, sweeping your feet over to the side of the cot, placing them down on astonishing cold cobblestone. You took in a few deep breaths as if testing things, remembering the faint pain that you had back in your dream. Actually, now that you were thinking about it, you weren’t even sure if you were dreaming now. Your balance was off, it felt like it was in the middle of the damn night, you couldn’t recall anything that would have lead to your admittance into such an isolated area, and the best part of things, you swore you were bleeding from between your legs.

   “Glad to see that you’re coming around.”

   You looked around slowly, trying to adjust your eyes to the immediately darkness. First thing you noticed: it really was the middle of the night. Second thing you noticed: the candle illuminating a small part of the wall where you could see a man pushing himself up from a few neatly aligned stacks of hay.

   “Who’s there?” You rattled, your voice coarse and parched; you were now realizing how thirty you were.

   “I don’t remember having kicked you in the head.” Ah, that dry humor. You knew that from anywhere. That could have only been… _wait, who was this guy?_

   “Seriously, who are you?” Your tone became a little more demanding, perhaps even a little frightened when you heard a grunt and the shuffling of footsteps heading straight to towards your bed. You felt no immediate danger when the cot dipped at the extra weight and you looked over the man’s features. He sat there silently with his eyes down towards the ground and his elbows digging into his firm legs grimly.

   He was older than you. A dark shade of hair… kind of crude in the way he looked at you, too. He was judging you in a rather odd manner, almost as if he had become crushed by your distrust. ...oddly enough, you suddenly felt like you had betrayed him, as well.

   “What’s the last thing you remember, Sev?”

 _Ah- that nickname. Now that rings a bell._ Of course it would be bad timing that you remembered something. You had always been like that, a little on the late side with everything… hell, you’d probably be late to your own damn funeral. You were surprised that you even made it to graduation and into the corps, not that you had much choice in the first place. They took you in; they freed you from a world that most people did not even know existed. Even without forging a promise, you sought to repay them for all the good they have given to you. How did you not remember this?

   “I’m sorry, Corporal.” You muttered, feeling his sudden acknowledgement with a lifting of his head. “My mind is still a li-”

   “Seven.” He shushed you with a touch of his hand to your shoulder. You practically felt the compassion in his voice. Despite acting like a spawn of the devil himself, you grew to understand him in your own special way; he was like an older brother to you. “You were involved in an accident. How’s your back?”

   “My back?” Great, another piece to the puzzle, you assumed. At first you stared at him like he had arms growing out from his head, but seeing that his concern grew graver with each second that had passed, you sighed and decided to muse him. You twisted your back gently, stretching your muscles before leaning forward, touching the ground with your long arms. “There’s a slight ache in the lumbar region. May I inquire why my well being is of such great concern, Corporal?”

   “Quit with the stupid ass formalities.” The man stood up, stretching his arms into the air and dropped them like a weight lifted from his shoulders. He stood in front of you, reaching his hand out to take. “Like I said, you damn near had a date with death.”

   Taking his powerful vice grip, you pulled yourself to your feet with renewed interest. You could see from behind you that the sun was beginning to rise, signalling the start of a new day. “Just… just _what the hell_ happened to me, Levi? I don’t remember a bloo-”

   “SEVEN!” The door swung open precariously, a deranged woman teary eyed at the sound of your voice. It was who you assumed to be a familiar, or a friend, by the way the woman’s voice shriveled, making both you and Corporal Levi cringe at her appearance alone.

   “Hanji.” Levi raised his voice, grabbing her attention if just by a little. “You’re too damn loud.”

   “Ah! I’m sorry… it’s just that I’ve been waiting to hear her voice. I thought she wasn’t going to...”

   “Hey, I _am_ standing right here, you know.” You interrupted somewhat peeved, “And I’m not dead. So let’s not start treating me like it.”

   The tears rolled down her face and she walked towards you with every intention to probably break your body with a hug. Just as she was getting close, Levi stood in her path and denied Hanji of her mother hen instincts.

    “Hanji. She still needs time.” He reminded her, “And it would seem that her concussion was more serious than we thought.”

    “That reminds me, you were about to tell me what’s going on.” You sounded a little frightened at the news; did you really receive a concussion? Your mind swirled leaving you feel a little dizzy on your feet. You allowed yourself to plop back down on the cot, examining the sheets crinkled beneath you like you had already been defeated. Whatever happened… probably just changed you forever.

    “First, I’ll send someone over for a change of clothes and some breakfast.” Levi adverted his eyes away from you, sending a shiver down your spine. “Erwin is expected to be here in the coming minutes. He and I will personally debrief you.”


	3. Chapter 3

   “Sasha? What was Hanji doing in Seven’s room?”

    _Congratulations!_ You were now the current topic of the morning as everyone seated themselves for breakfast. The former 104th trainees (and then some) sat or stood as close as they could to Sasha, currently disinterested in eating the jello-like porridge that was served to them from the back. Mess hall was buzzing with rumors of your awakening, and considering the arrival of the Commander, everyone expected the Lance Corporal to be absent for most of the day.

    “Hanji came to get clothes for Seven. She said that she was alert, talking, and not happy.”

    “What a bloody fucking _miracle_ that girl is.” Connie threw his hands up in the air wildly, clearly relieved to hear some good news. Information about your recovery had been scarce, if not purposely withheld, and the past week had gone by painfully slow for all your associates. Despite you not having been extremely close with anyone in particular, Connie had treated you with the same respect that you showed to him no matter the circumstances… even if you did intimidate him. _Only a little._

    “Does that mean we can go visit her? She should be released soon.” Krista’s voice cut through the chatter like a knife through butter, effortlessly gaining the attention of everyone around her. Ymir kind of tilted her head, not sure about how she really felt about anything.

    “No, I don’t think so just yet.” Armin started, receiving displeased stares from the group around him. “If anything, having both the Lance Corporal and Commander on base means they’re likely assessing her current situation.”

    “What… do you mean, Armin?” Eren’s voice had been brittle, disturbed even. “You don’t think that…”

    “I’m just thinking that they will be determining the outcome of her future, whether it’s with us… or not. _He_ is here after all, which means there’s going to be a reassessment.” Armin’s words left a distasteful silence among the table. Everyone knew he was right - the kind of accident you had should have _at least_ left you paralyzed and at the most _**dead**_. The only real information they had about you came from Sasha, which only left more questions than answers. This didn’t sit well with Eren especially, who had now shoved himself out of the bench abruptly, exiting the building without so much as another word.

    “Let’s not all jump to sudden conclusions.” Reiner’s voice overcame the miserable silence and now took to steer the conversation. Before he hypothesised, he motioned his hands to get everyone to huddle, leaving whatever empty space between bodies absent. “Let’s start with what we know. We were heading up north for training and nothing seemed out of the ordinary, right?"

    "Yeah, everything seemed peaceful. I remember Eren and Corporal Levi were heading the group and Seven rounded the back with Bertholdt." Connie held onto his chin with his fingers as he tried to relive the events from a week ago.

   "Then we passed by a small group of travelers, rode some more, and then that's-" Sasha was cut off mid-sentence.

   "When Eren suddenly shifted into a titan." The way Jean put things always seemed to give the conversation a flare, huh?

   "Everyone kind of bolted in different directions after that." Armin was content to mumble under his breath as he continued to analyze the story fragments. "It probably took about a half hour before we noticed that she was missing."

   "I remember seeing blood smeared on the ground..." Krista said solemnly.

   Again, the table became quiet and everyone exchanged grim looks at each other. What really bothered them all was the fact that this happened inside the walls, inside protected territory. Perhaps it unnerved them.

   "Alright, so we all know that Jean, Connie, Corporal Levi, and myself made up the search and rescue crew." Armin began, "It took us four days, but Jean found her."

   Everyone's eyes looked at Jean, eager for him to finish his side of the story. "I came across this really old cabin. Looked like it would fall down any second, but I heard something and decided to check it out. I found her inside already awake, freaking out, blood everywhere, and then she collapsed."

   "Oh my god, where was she hurt?" Krista's voice became a little sharp and anxious at just the thought. Ymir threw a supporting around around Krista's neck, aiming to calm the young lady down. Armin and Jean threw conflicting looks at each other, silently agreeing that Armin would the best at talking at this point.

   "It looked like she had been hit in the head. She also had a puncture wound to her ribcage and... a laceration to her leg."

   “You don’t think this is the work of that new underground group Blackheart, do you?”

   “Connie, _what in God’s name_ makes you come up with something like that?” Everyone stopped and turned to Connie, watching Jean leaning forward and smacking him upside the head. This was not the time for his out of control theories.

    “I'm being serious…” Connie muttered from the side of his mouth, rubbing the back of his shaved head. “Hey, did I just hear Hanji and the Corporal?”

    Out of their seats and crowding the front entrance in an instant, the guys managed to figure out how to file themselves out from the building and onto the dirt ground. All eyes were on the Commander’s carriage now moving across towards the banquet hall, lead by Eld, Gunther, and Oluo with Petra and Hanji on either side.

    “Oh?” Hanji hummed in curiosity, bringing her horse to a full stop in front of mess hall. Most of them eagerly tried to peek through the windows of the wooden doors only finding that Levi and Erwin were the only ones viewable through the window. Hanji only smiled briefly before trotting back into position.

    “Why the hell are we all just standing here? Screw the laundry list of chores that Corporal Midget gave us, let’s just follow them.”

    “Now _that_ Jean, has probably been the best idea you’ve _ever_ came up with. Other than that time you stuck Eren’s hand in cup of water in the middle of the night.”

    “I’d do it again in a heartbeat, too.”

### Inside the Carriage…

   “...After that, Jean found you in some old cabin, far east of the training grounds. Based on the findings, there was some kind of struggle outside. They must have dragged you in. We think that they hit you in the head to subdue you based on your medical report of your injuries. Among other things they found, you have a puncture wound to your ribcage, a deep laceration between your thighs, a burn mark on your abdomen, and a suspected fracture to one of your lumbar vertebrae. Your 3D maneuver gear is currently still missing with no traces of it having been broken after you fell from your horse. The evidence that we’ve collected from the house suggests that the cabin had been a temporary shelter at some point of time. You've been missing for four days, and the remaining five days you've been beside yourself.”

   “... ” _Jesus Christ, how the fuck did I live through something like that? How the hell am I not feeling like I'm about to die?_ That was your initial reaction. To say that you were astonished was an understatement. “Commander! H-how long until I-”

   “I thought I told you to drop the formalities.” Straight in front of you were both the Lance Corporal and Commander of the Survey Corps, and despite having the spawn of the devil barking up your tree, you felt an array of emotions in your gut. You could _feel_ why he was telling you to be yourself, but you just could not remember _why_. Tears threatened to overcome you and as you clenched your hands together, you dug your fingernails into your palms to use as a distraction.

   “Why are you crying?” Erwin crossed his arms around his chest, pressing his brows together at the sight of your vulnerability. He had long since dropped his authoritative posture and his eyes betrayed that straight face of his; he was more concerned than he should have been.

   “I’m _not_ crying.” _Like hell I’m going to cry._ “I’m just… I’m just pissed off. At myself. I can’t rememb-”

   “Just shut up. I can’t take all of this bullshit anymore.” Levi’s voice threatened to provoke, but when you looked up to say something in retaliation, you realized that his expression looked vaguely different and it made you bite your tongue. Did you see a touch of commiseration in those eyes? “All you need to do is prove that you’re still _worth_ something to us. If you can’t perform, there’s no reason for you to be here. Stop whining like a little shit and grow a pair.”

   Erwin said nothing to correct either Levi or yourself, adding to the intense fire inside the pit of your stomach. How could you really prove anything in this state? Hell, you weren’t really allowed to move. You were wheeled in a chair just to climb the carriage for fuck’s sake, and as for the icing on the cake? They’ve confiscated your uniform and you no longer have your wings. What the hell were you suppose to do in this kind of shape and why the hell was the Corporal belittling you at a time like this? Weren't the both suppose to be your-

   You felt the carriage come to a sharp stop, leaving you to bounce against the seat roughly. You could hear some talking from outside the door but considering your previous conversation, you were having a hard time just thinking straight as it is. Instead, you took a deep breath and tried to collect yourself, looking at the Commander with somewhat renewed vigor.

   “Com-” You quickly began correcting yourself as Levi’s threatening stare threatened to pierce through you, “Erwin, how can I prove my worth to the Corps without at least my gear?”

   Erwin only smiled and it sent unnerving chills down your spine. You glance over to the Corporal, who was avoiding eye contact with you, and then glanced to the double doors of the carriage. You could hear there was quite a conversation being held outside and that there was one startling familiar voice that you haven’t heard in roughly six months since your graduation. _Oh hell no… that sounds like..._

   Levi scooted over to the window and knocked the side of his fist against the glass, flicking his fingers to give his permission for someone to enter. As soon as he signalled, Levi switched from being seated by your fearless leader over next to you. Your eyes scanned the first inkling of an appearance of another man climbing into the carriage, hearing the garbled voices of Hanji bickering in the background at some cadets.

   “Excuse my entry, Commander.” The man said, pulling his entirety into the seat next to Erwin with the door being promptly slammed behind him. You looked over the man’s appearance… that bald head, sunken eyes, barking loud voice… It was none other than Keith Shadis. “It’s good to see that you’ve survived, Cadet.”

   “Looks like you’re just going to have to prove it without your gear. _Just like old times._ I wonder how many lives you have left, _kitten_? I mean, this is going to be your fourth living hell.” Levi’s tone dropped several pitches and you swore the temperature around you fell several degrees.

   “ _Fuck my life._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there, ladies and gents!
> 
> Voting is now closed! Thanks for your support and answers! Expect the new chapter shortly! <3


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to [Iolre](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Iolre) and [Rii](http://archiveofourown.org/users/griito) for helping me out a bunch with this monster!

    Life bound to the Corps really hadn’t been all that bad. Really. Compared to demons you've faced in the past, you've long since gotten over the fear of impending doom and death knocking at the door. Your detachment to this fear gave you the ability to cope with your stress easier, however you found yourself lulling for days as you tried to remember what kind of demons actually haunted you. Judging by the remnants of last nights dream, you were certain that your self-concealed past was far from ordinary. Whether this was because of your amnesia, you weren't sure, but you could feel in your bones that you were apart of something more circumstantial.

   Sighing, you flopped over on the other side of your body.You rubbed at your aching head, trying to visualize using an ice-pick and jabbing it into your brain for results; it was safe to say it wasn't working. _Come on. Come on. Think. Connect the dots._

   " _Pft_." You sighed more irritably this time, finding more comfort while laying on your back. Raising your dominate hand, you examined the finer details about yourself. Your skin color; the shape of your nails; the way your skin folded to form wrinkles; the imagery of blood staining your hands. Your chest rhythmically lifted and fell gently, almost undisturbed by the flashes of sinister memory fragments.

_What kind of person did I use to be? Who am I?  
_

   "Jack..." You murmured to yourself, dwelling in your remembrance. You couldn’t recall the face of a figure you had seen in your dream, despiting somehow knowing who it was. It was a familiary body, a familiar kind of strange warmth. You hated these kinds of dreams; you hated the way you couldn’t think without thinking. You were left without answers. You were left feeling out of place in your own body. _Who's Jack and how does he relate to me?_

_Knock knock.  
_

   Your eyes curiously gazed over towards your door, pondering if you even heard something knocking in the first place. It was still in the middle of day and you knew that the Commander and the Corporal should not have been anywhere near here. The rest of your squadmates should have been busy with general maintenance too, so there was no logical reason for anyone to be at your door.

_Whatever. I'm going crazy, anyway. It was probably just the wind._

   The thought had always lingered in the back of your mind... whether you had been making this up or not. Or perhaps this was one hell of a sick joke on your behalf? Yet before you could quietly slip back into your own little world, you definitely heard three firmer knocks at your door.

   “Seven? Are you in there?" You heard a very familiar voice calling to you from behind the door. Content to pick yourself up from your oversized bed, you managed swing your legs over to shove your feet into your boots and make a sloppy attempt at walking towards the door.

   "Where else would a civilian be?" The thought of your current status left a sour taste in your mouth.

   "Seeevveeeeen, just come out of your room. Let's talk about it!" That feminine, overly clingy whine was awfully sugar sweet, as if she were trying to beg for the last morsels of food you had stashed away.

   "Blouse, I just want to be left alone." You barely made it to the door and already felt like sitting down. Although you've had plenty of time to try and sleep, it did nothing to help shake the feeling of your dwindling energy; it was like trying to walk underwater.

   "Come on. Please? It's not like you were sent to slammer. You're free to walk around premises! And we haven't seen you in a few days."

   "We? ...You know what? I'm cold and the blankets are on my bed. Just give me some time alone and I’ll come out later." All you wanted was to think about yourself, your circumstances, and your upcoming rendezvous with your former instructor. You didn't feel like doing very much other than this... there was a lot of time to kill and you needed to get your shit together. Why the hell was she bothering you in the first place?

   Walking back to your bed, you eagerly shook the sheets off with as much noise as you could make for the added dramatic effect. It wasn't like you were close friends with anyone in particular and since graduation, you had thought your former squadmates had forgotten about you which is why you felt so out of place with your feelings right now, among other things.

   "Well I can keep you warm, Sev. Promise." So there _was_ someone else with her. It was a guy. "But I can't promise that I'll be a saint."

   "Is that you, Kirschstein?" Just saying his name provoked a worried groan from your gut. "I'm definitely not coming out of here now. I'm fresh out of biscuits if that’s what you’re looking for."

   "H-hey! Open the damn door and say it to my face!" Although Jean sounded fairly taken aback, you could hear a faint snickering from Sasha.

   Alright, so a smile kind of tugged at your face for the first time in two days of solitary self-confinement. Your way to deal with Jean's abrasiveness? Occasional mockery.

   "Alright already." You made another drawn out breath out of hopelessness, repeating the process of walking towards the other side of bedroom. You worked at undoing the hinge style deadbolt while you continued to mutter towards them in quiet malice.

   "See? That wasn't very hard." Sasha said innocently as you looked through a small crack, eyeing her and noticing Jean's signature grin. "Come out. It'll do you some good to get a breath of fresh air."

   "Hell no. I'm going back to bed. You guys are up to something." And before you could shut the door and lock it, or count the number of seconds in between the two, Jean used every bit of his body weight to shove the door open, take you by surprise,  and seized you. "He- whoa!"      

   "Talk shit to me and you're gettin' it, Sev." His smirk became dangerously over inflated and with one arm, he also managed to twist the sheets around your body. It wasn't before long until he took things into his hands; or rather, take you over his shoulder. "Ha! This was easier than expected. I told you I'd keep you warm, princess."

   "Bite me." You spat your venom as best as you could, considering you were now facing opposite of him and wrapped tightly like a burrito. You only glared at Sasha, expecting her to help out at any time while you could barely struggle to release your arms and legs twisted between your sheets.

_Your own goddamn sheets.  
_

   Jean took his time with you, chuckling softly at first. He was definitely amused by your sudden spitfire attitude and you could only guess what he was going to do from here on out. "You know if it was a year ago, I probably would have humored you with that but seeing how you've practically blossomed as of late, I'd say you have too much in the trunk for that now."

   " _ **J-jean**_!" Immediately your cheeks were glowing a furious a shade of red not normally graced on your delicate features. You desperately sought Sasha for a little back up, but the way her face was practically lit up told you she wasn’t going to be of any help. Was she just as embarrassed of the pervert currently kidnapping you or too astonished to say something in your defense? You weren’t sure, but that was the story you went with,seeing as she was more content to trail you and the walking dead.

   "...Alright, so I thought I was never going to be surprised by your honesty, Jean." Were you trying to reason with yourself or with the other two? You weren't sure. Between your abduction and Jean's strange pickup, you hardly noticed that he was already moving you towards a different location. "But you got me this time. You're such a fucking pervert, Jean!"

   "You know... it's kind of hot the way you call me by my first name all of a sudden." He called to back out to you with a voice lower in pitch and subtly captivating.

   "...Sasha. _Sasha!_ " Panicked was an understating feeling; you couldn't _believe_ what was happening. Was this a dream? You would have never suspected Jean having grown into a fully fledge pervert. Hell, his idiocy was on the same suicidal track as Eren! Left bright red and utterly confused, you truly did not know what to do. "What the bloody hell happened to Kirschstein?!"

   "I-I swear I don’t know!" The brunette's hands quickly retreated to the same level of her torso while shaking her head furiously in quick denial. "I was just going to ask you to come to lunch with us! I had no clue that Jean was going to practically confess to you!"

   "H-hey! Watch it, Ms. Piggy. There were no confessions made today!" Just as Jean barked, he quickly pivoted on the heel of his foot to face Sasha, whirling you around just the same. You were like a freakin' log at this point, still bound and plenty pathetic. "I’ll admit, I was pleasantly surprised. It's always ' _Kirschstein this, Kirschstein that_ ' ya’ know? Of course I gotta take advantage of the situation, there's nothing wrong with that. Plus, this'll make for a great bedside story later."

   "What in the world..." There was another whisper from the other end of the corridor. _Great. More witnesses._ It was Bertholdt, wide-eyed and bewildered, with Reiner following right behind him trying to hold back a fit of coughing. You leered their way.

   "Fubar! Braun!" You pleaded, "Help a girl out! Kirschstein's gone all mental here!" Just before you could attempt any further cry for help, Jean whipped you around again and forced you to duck for your life. Was he trying to give you another concussion!?

   " _Yo_ ~!" Jean greeted the others, throwing a hand up in the air like nothing strange was happening. If only you saw the thumbs up that Reiner gave to him... 

   "Jean, I know we agreed for you to grab her from her room but I didn't think you'd literally go out of your way to retrieve her like that." Did you just hear that right? He was going to be second on your newly devised hit-list.

   "You set Kirschstein up to this, Braun?! _Oh for fuc_ \- Fubar! Come on! You're not going to help a lady out?"

   Sasha looked on at the lot of you, somehow finding the situation to be amusing. She giggled regardless, feverishly chewing on her fingers as if to cope.

_She’s number three._

   "Aw, pipe down sweetcheeks." Jean was begging for death now, wasn't he? "If you don't start actin' like a sweet little thing you might regret it. And before you go on and tell me to, well, _you know_... remember what I said before we got here."

   "I can't believe this is happening..." You muttered in strange defeat, sinking into your captors shoulders. "You're still pissed that I interrogated you, aren't you?"

    _That's right!_ You had forgotten all about that time you caught Jean peeping through the hole in the girl's showers. It just so happened that you were actually preparing to permanently fix that small breach in security when you stumbled upon the _oh-so-gallant_ steed, appearing transfixed in visual overload. You didn’t even care to listen to his full story, which was something about some kind of miscommunication and a bet he lost. You promptly kicked him out of the ladies area (literally) and dealt with his sorry ass the next day during the 3D maneuvering examination. At least he didn’t see it coming when you rushed him from a blind spot.

   "Not only did you interrogate me in the middle of an exam, but you did it at the god-damn top of the tallest tree you could find. _Me, hanging fucking upside down!_ " God, Jean's droning was getting worse. "So excuse me if I happen to _enjoy_ every bit of what's coming for you, honey."

   " _..._!" You were out of insults that wouldn't end up backfiring on you; not that you were known for being very combative and witty in the first place. Actually, according to you of course, you felt that you were pretty quiet and unimposing. Sure you knew you were distant with everyone and perhaps a little reserved like Bertholdt (a little, meaning you hardly ever asserted yourself in a situation that either wasn't life threatening or required on your part), but the man upstairs just didn't grace you with the ability to deal with the one and only Jean Kirschstein.

   He was to die for, wasn't he?

   " _That's_ a good girl. Shh… it’ll be alright." Jean readjusted your weight with a carefully quick toss (is that even possible at this point?), turning a corner and entering into what you realized was the lobby area of the banquet hall. You struggled again now that Jean had dislodged your once trapped arm, freeing your shoulder first and later your hand from the tightly wrapped sheets. Everyone else simply watched you struggle silently as they quietly mused between each other, wondering just what it was that you were going to do in this situation.

_This will be the last time, Kirschstein. This will be the last mistake you'll ever make._

   Carefully peeling a little more of the sheets off of your dangling torso, you were able to free much more of yourself without Jean's attention. The most he did was tighten his grip around you, steadying your body. Unfortunately for you however, your red plaid button down was being tugged dangerously low, revealing the surfaces of _Kim_ and _Khloe_ to the trio trailing behind.

   "S-seven. Ah- um...!" Bertholdt's voice became unusually pitched. Your attention quickly shifted to him as you strained your neck upwards to look at him. You were met with a bright red and nervous expression, especially now that the girls were tightly pressing themselves against your shirt, daring to bust free from their confinement. Jean's man handling had popped a few buttons off without your knowledge so you were unaware of the growing danger.

   Jean likewise stopped at the sound of Bertholdt's voice cracking and the sound of a quiet gasp from Sasha. Trying to look over his free shoulder, you got whipped around again and that’s when Jean saw Reiner's eyes as round as plates. "Hey! What the hell is with you guys?"

   Reiner's lips parted as he held back from dropping his jaw and Jean arched one of his brows at the other's blank expressions.

   "You know, Eren gets all red and sweaty like that right before he either takes a shit or turns into a titan. Don't tell me you're getting cold feet now, are you? She's a harmless lil’ kitten now!"

   Reiner and Bertholdt both stood more attentively now, quietly giving each other frightened stares as if taking a shit was a real possibility, but it was really thanks to Sasha for finally coming to her senses and stepping up for you. " ** _Bertholdt! Reiner!_** It's rude to freakin' stare! Let her fix her shirt in privacy. I swear, you men are nothing but slobs."

   "Eh?" You felt Jean rub at the back of his head, standing quietly trying to piece the puzzle together. Having wriggled again to readjust your shirt, Jean must have taken into account everything that had been said and what was happening.

   He also dropped you like a bad habit.

   "Oh shit. _Oh **shit!**_ "

   Everyone could feel every ounce of murderous intent expelling from your body, suddenly turning into stiff planks of wood with tightly pressed lips. You had of course dealt with your two priorities the best you could first, but after getting up from the floor you only had one thing in mind. You glared at the quartet of silent lambs, leering thoughtfully at each one of them with purpose and deliberation. It was when they all raised their shoulders in apprehension that you made your move. Slow and painfully.

   You sashayed on over to that cunning, dashing, and charming steed of yours first.

   "Jean..." The way you said his name made him shiver. It was sweet; it was low; it was devilishly seductive apparently. You could tell he didn't know what to do, how to react, or let alone brace himself. Perhaps he was confused whether to pick one or all of his options? Whichever it be, you intended to show him that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

   "Jean, come here." You said in the same low purr, pressing your body against his and making sure he was transfixed on your figure. As you traveled one hand briskly up his chest and around his neck, Connie had made his way into the room, followed by the rest of his usual company.

   Had they just walked in on something?

    _Good_ , you thought to yourself, a smile tugging at your lips just as you pulled Jean's face within inches of your own. He saw nothing but you while you only saw a helpless swine. You also saw that his eyes flickered between your own and your lips, as if he were unsure of which was going to hit him first. How _dare_ he even think of looking down at your lips anyway? Didn't he step in enough shit already?

   "You know... you're going to be the first on my list." You spoke breathlessly, firmly pulling down on the nape of his neck for leverage, swinging your body up and around his shoulders while planting his face into the soft parts of your thighs. Everyone choked on the display of visuals while you continued by baring your weight down and using your core muscles to flip Jean over onto his back. You grabbed at his arm and used all your strength to pull downward, locking him into an armbar and pressing your calves into his neck so that he couldn’t move.

   “ _Am I still a harmless lil’ kitten now, sweetcheeks?!_ ” You weren’t sure if the gasp you heard was from the air being knocked out of his lungs or the group behind you, but you swore it was Jean.

   Sasha practically yelped in fear when he saw you fling a body in the air like a sack of potatoes. Reiner and Bertholdt both froze as they watched Jean struggle to get you off but by the looks of it, the more he tried to free himself the more your vice tightened. Luckily for him, before he truly asphyxiated, you soon released and kicked him away, rolling yourself against the ground in the opposite direction and briskly got up to your feet.

    _One down, two to go._

   “You're next, _reindeer games!_ ” Your glare suddenly shifted to Reiner who was slowly backing away from you as if his life depended on it. You were sure he’d seen a version of this look before; it was the look of promised pain and an endless wave of thoughts, undecided by how you wanted to torture him.

   Your growl was menacing as you dismissed the laughter from the growing crowd behind you all. “Don't think I can take your fat ass down? _Come here for a minute._ I’ll give you a _tutorial_ of how I’m going to curbstomp th-”

   " _Wait! Seven!_ Don't do it! Please!" Krista bolted out from around the back of the pack, clearly concerned for the well being of the men in front of you. Krista's shrill was like nails on a chalkboard, forcing you to momentarily stop in your tracks to cover your ears.

   "Oh my God!" Connie bent over, reeling with laughter. " _Did she just say reindeer games?!_ "

   Turning to look over your shoulder, you could see that neither Eren or Connie could barely stand. Connie was tearing up from laughing so damn hard and Eren used Armin like a support pillar keeping him from falling over. Your face boiled, knowing that they had just witnessed everything. This was completely embarrassing.

   "Oh man, this party's going to be great." Ymir was pleasantly surprised, judging by the way she was beaming. "Come on guys, by all means keep going. I want to see what happens to Reiner next."

   "Seven." Reiner sounded like he was about ready to jump out of his pants. "We didn't mean you any harm. I swear _on my life_ it was all Jean's idea!"

   "Don't go and throw me under the bus, dammit. You were apart of this just as much as Bertholdt and me were." Jean had already picked himself up from the ground and was currently dusting himself off. You failed to recognize that his ears were blood red.

   "Don't you go dragging me into this mess! You two are on your own!" Bertholdt may have not been a key player in this mess but he wasn't off the hook either, you decided. Neither was Sasha.

   "Party?" Taking a much needed breath, you still managed to shoot a glare Jean's way for an explanation. He flinched when he met your gaze again, swallowing hard and trying not to break a sweat. Did you really knock some sense into him? The last time you checked, he was a pretty good grappler so what you had done shouldn't have phased him much.

   "Yeah. We all wanted to do a little something for you, Seven. I mean..." Sasha tried to speak to you, but seemed a little embarrassed herself. You suppose you did take things a little too far. "We all heard about the Commander enrolling you into a reassessment course and then you haven't been seen or heard from since. We figured you might be feeling a little down, so we all wanted to do something to cheer you up."

   "Yeah, whatever Sasha. You just wanted to throw a party to pig out." Having partially recovered, Connie made a point to walk around you to slap the brunette in the arm. It was like the signal that everyone waited for, too. Everyone quickly began to exchange conversation between themselves, filling the lobby area with a low murmur and laughter, thankfully leaving you to tend to your self-inflicted wounds.

   You felt as if you broke your own pride for attacking Jean like that… but he deserved it, didn’t he?

   Slipping out of the chaos, you decided to retreat and search for the darkest spot you could possibly find, but it seemed to be getting harder to find a place to call your own quickly. The banquet room was filling out nicely, likely because everyone was beginning to finish their assigned chores and looking for food.

   In attendance was the group that you first ran into. Eren’s company had stuck together as usual, Misaka looking disinterested and arrogant as ever. You never really found Misaka all that wonderful other than her skills; it wasn’t because you didn’t like her, it just seemed to be more of a chemistry mismatch if anything. Eren and Armin were alright in your book on the other hand. Armin especially has tried on more than one occasion to strike up conversations just to get to know you, despite your lack of insightful responses. He was adorable, though.

   Then Jean was one of those idiots who you either hated to know or loved for his ability, and somehow you fell in between the two. Yes, he certainly did know how to ruffle the wrong feathers but since the invasion in Trost, he’s matured considerably. Even before that, you never really minded his antics or quarrels, not that it had ever involved you in the first place. Still, you had always found a way to deal with his shenanigans without getting riled up or offended. Until now anyway. So he lost a point lost on his behalf, but you didn’t hate the guy. He had sound logic and prevailed when everyone else would have lost it.

   Connie and Sasha were also very capable, if not a little cowardly. They definitely couldn’t plan ahead to save their lives, but they both have qualities that outclassed many people. As far as that goes, they were just there and you didn’t hold any kind of spectacular opinion of them at the moment. Krista and Ymir fell under this same category as well, although you suspected that Ymir intentions were solely based on her behalf and was holding back more than she was letting on.

   _“Hey.”_

   Subconsciously, you aimed towards the back corner and it was like the party followed you no matter where you went. There was always something going on; an annoyance buzzing in your ear. Unlit torches lined the cobblestone walls which were adorned with fine decorative drapery. You tried to find some peace by examining them as you made your way down the wall, far removed from the main festivities.

    _“Should watch your step.”_

   Deep in thought, you tried to process what was going on. _Dammit. Jean sure knows how to completely dishevel my thought process. Get out of my head, Jean. You’re such a little pes- “Gah!”_

   “I got you.”

   “ _..._!” Completely taken by surprised, you found yourself in brawny arms and staring up into golden eyes. He stared back with not only confusion, but wonder as well.

   “You know, I just can’t get a handle on whether or not you’re a danger to society or a danger to yourself.” He hovered over your form, pressing a hand into the small of your back, while pulling you to your feet with his dominant arm. Reiner, by comparison to yourself, was easily almost twice your weight and stood straight at six foot one. “It’s almost like you’re two different people. One side kicks ass and the other just… stumbles over her own feet. How is something like that even possible?”

   “I just… walk to the beat of a different drum, okay? Besides, I’m still in the right of mind to finish what I started.” Your eyes fluttered over Reiner’s throat, visually seeing your hulky comrade swallowing hard. You stood as straight as you could and threw off the most poisonous glare you could create, however after a few seconds of silence between you and him… your gaze faltered. You just couldn’t stay mad anymore at this point, even if it sat unwell with you. You had enough humiliation in one day you've decided, and you figured he got your point by your demonstration earlier.

   Exhaling the built up tension, you took a quick look over Reiner before throwing your hand up to pinch the bridge of your nose, trying not to listen to the figurative voices sitting on either of your shoulders. It surprised you to hear a faint chuckle coming from him and by the time you looked up, he was already giving you an apologetic, lopsided smile.

   How could you find an excuse to get pissed off at him _now_?

   “About that. Look, uh… I’m sorry. About earlier.” He started, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “We just-”

   “Save the bullshit, Braun.” Despite having lost a good amount of that fizzle, you felt that you had every right to vent your frustration with him. “I appreciate that you guys were worried if that’s what this is about, but you don’t need to bend over backwards. It’s not like we’re that close of friends.”

   “Even still. We survived _together_ for this long, haven’t we?” He looked absolutely unphased by your behavior; perhaps more relieved. “Just because we’re not close doesn’t mean we can’t worry. Personally if I was going through what you’re dealing with, I think I would have already succumbed to cabin fever or something.”

   You hummed aloud, taking your attention back to the wall beside you. This just felt plain strange to you. It was a give or take kind of world and yet he still found a reason for this? Was this necessary? “No need to apologize. It’s over, done, gone.”

   “But the look on your face says otherwise…” He mumbled quietly towards you, almost teasingly. Unlike the other Somali wild ass, this one was much more playful. That or perhaps he just knew how to talk to people in a much more pleasant way.

   “Is that all you wanted?” Folding your arms across your chest, you refused to acknowledge that you were pouting. You grew a little more impatient knowing that he was amused; you were not a personal entertainer, dammit.

   “Aw, come on. Is there something I can do to make it up to you?” You could tell that Reiner was being genuine by the sound of his voice, even if there was a hint of kiss-ass in his whining.

   “I dun’no… I don’t try to hold grudges.” You admitted, finally breaking away from your beloved wall and looking back at him again. He seemed pleased by what little you did but you shrugged your shoulders regardless.

   “What? Nothing at all?” Reiner was in disbelief. So were you, actually. “Alright, alright. Imagine Jean standing here in front of you and not me. Would you still not want to get back at him?”

   Pfft. The thought just made you unexpectedly chuckle. “Honest Braun, out of all the things I would _love_ to do, I’m over it now.”

   What a sneaky bastard, he was. You didn’t think he was capable of dispelling your protective barrier with a little use of reverse psychology. You were beginning to see why everyone felt like he was the go-to guy; a brotherly figure. If you were like any other person, perhaps you would have felt more compelled to stay with him and talk to him, but your intuition was stronger and the need to stay at a distance began to fall back into place. There was no need to get any closer.

   “Hey, smile a little more. Don’t go hiding behind that veil of darkness of yours. I've seen enough of that having been around Annie.” Reiner continued as he noticed the air beginning to shroud around you. “You worried about the whole reassessment with Shadis?”

   “Something like that, yeah.” _Although Shadis is the least of my worries, I think._ You could feel the pounding behind your eyes and you thought you could hear the blood pumping in your ears. Rubbing tiredly at your temple, you began glancing at a still unoccupied table. “I’m going to go grab myself a seat.”

   “Alright… let me know if there’s anything I can do.” Reiner seemed reluctant as you promptly left, only acknowledging his offer with a gentle hum and you were relieved when he did not pursue.

   It seemed like an eternity to make your way to the small table and the first thing you did when you finally reached it was collapse into the seat. You eventually curled your arms around your head, trying to alleviate some of the pressure built up in your cranium by resting yourself down against the table. You were almost too mentally exhausted; you didn’t know how to deal with the overwhelming flow of emotions inside you.

   _Since when did these guys care?_ You kept asking yourself.

   Before the so called accident, you were normally on top of your game; things didn’t bother you like this. Not this petty crap. Yet now that you’ve gone and lost a sizeable gap of your memory, it’s like you started to slow down and really think about things; examine the cause and effects of your decisions. Why was it times like these when you felt the most vulnerable?

   Sighing, you slowly allowed your core muscles to relax. You focused on the little whispers and loudest voices around you. They quickly melded together into a tolerable lullaby, allowing your eyes to fall closed and feeling slightly more at ease. What was once a harsh, uncomfortable state of isolation was now a softening blur of pitch blackness, signifying your body’s demand for absolution.

   You could feel it. The way your head was beginning to feel like an anvil was the first sign of what was to come. You fought against it, the muscles in your neck twitching in every attempt to stay awake however your mind just couldn’t fight for much longer. You sucummbed to this feeling of relief; temporary respite.

    _“Sonofabitch! Hurry!”_  


  
   And the cycle repeats itself; the nightmares set to begin again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **CURRENTLY DISCLOSABLE INFORMATION:**
> 
>   * You have a wonderful, over-sized bed.
>   * You've scared Connie into submission.
>   * Bertholdt doesn't want to get into the middle of the crossfire.
>   * You made Reiner feel insecure about himself. 
>   * Jean wants to know what the fuck happened.
>   * _Eren wants to be your new best friend._
> 

> 
> Onwards away! Part 1, to be continued...


	5. Chapter 5

  _“Quit fidgetin’, girl. Ain’t nobody gun- **gah!** ” Your foot went flying into a man’s gut._  


_“Get the fuck o- mph mrr!” A stained and foul tasting cloth invaded your mouth.  
_

_“ **Sonofabitch!** Hurry! You ther- …just do it! Get over here and boun- ‘er legs.”_

_“What a- sh- fights li… -fuckin’_ demon. _Can’t keep her still!” Blood dripped on your fingers.  
_

_“...bitch!” He howled, tenderly hovering a hand over his now broken nose.  
_

_“Do it. Like I sho- … right here. The sweet spot.” This man had the same color hair as you.  
_

_“Look, she’s- …can’t fight back?”  Another looked down at you, hollow in the eyes.  
_

_Things got quieter. A lot quieter. What had they done to you? What were they going to do?  
_

_You began to feel your tongue numb and your legs were beginning to fall limp.  
_

_Did they hit you? The one looked strikingly familiar… those cold, empty eyes were familiar.  
_

_“She’s gotten beautiful- hasn’t she…? My babydoll. My-”  
_

_What was he saying?  
_

_You couldn’t read his lips.  
_

_You couldn’t see the sky anymore._

   Silence; like the end of a horrific story, in which you had been cast as the victim.

   History; like the memories spent rewinding itself, in which you were witness to a retelling.

   The world; like seeing the stars, the moon, and the sun... in which silence had touched your soul.

   Dreams; like a persons whisper, in which they entrusted you with both their secrets or fantasies.

 

 

   You drew in a slow deep breath, stretching your stiff extremities and yawning as you waited patiently for your bodily functions to return. _How long have I been sitting here_ , you pondered, speculating details of your latest dream. No, these weren’t dreams; these were the leftovers of the nightmare you slept through last week and sometimes it frightened you to see these images haunting from behind your own eyelids. You wondered if you were better off forgetting it all and if that _did_ happened, which is certainly possible, then what would come from it? A new life?

   Yes, it would be like wiping the slate clean.

Utilizing your ears, you could tell that the banquet room was still full of chattering people and it came to you as a relief knowing that you hadn’t been the last person still here. You planned to take your time while pulling yourself up into a sitting position - God only knows how long you’ve been out - however there was something… _stuffy_ about the atmosphere; a little cramped.

    “Are you finally awake?”

    You yelped in return, sitting up with your eyes as wide as plates; you didn’t realize that someone had sat next to you! It took a few seconds, but when your vision finally adjusted, you realized that the woman next to you didn’t mean any harm. “ _Good grief Petra_ , you nearly sent me into a myocardial infarction.”

   “Is that the same thing as… a heart attack? You’ve been listening to that old doctor again, haven’t you?” Petra’s auburn hair framed her delicate face and her smile was as warm as ever. She seemed to have been teasing you in almost the same manner as she would with the Corporal, giggling innocently and batting her lashes. “Actually I was kind of worried when you didn’t answer the door to your room and I gotta say, I didn’t expect to find you here.”

   “Would you believe me if I said that a few people managed to _kindly_ persuade me?” By habit, you ran your fingers across your lower lid as you made sure you didn’t have any crud built up from when you were sleeping. “I didn’t think I would nod off like I did though.” 

   “Were you dreaming about the doctor and his creepy habits?” The summer heat combined with a few dozen warm bodies packed in the room definitely did not help keep things cool, but Petra’s smile always seemed to ease you; it was like a ray of sunshine inside this danky room.

   “No? Why would I be dreaming about that old fart?” _That man’s face is more wrinkled than a prune. Very unattractive._

   “Well you kind of worried me. When I got here, you seem pretty distressed while sleeping.” Petra moved her hand forward on the table’s surface, pressing her brows tightly together and becoming more serious. Though she had already been assigned to the special operations squad, you had the impression that she was somewhat charged with overseeing you. “Do you want to talk about it?”

   “Not really. Not right now anyway. Nothing’s really making any sense.” You shrugged your shoulders while running your fingers on top of your pulled back hair, feeling for any discrepancies in your bun.

   “Are you keeping a journal? It might help you decipher what your body’s trying to tell you.”

   “Ah- no. I didn’t even think about doing that. I don’t even own a memo book to be honest.”

   “That doesn’t surprise me. You don’t seem like the sentimental kind.”

   “Well, one day maybe that’ll change.” Flashing her a quick smile, you found yourself partly disagreeing with her. Despite you being apart of this world’s armed forces, you knew that you had not time to dawdle over such unnecessary things. However if there ever came a time and place for it, you’d like to think that you would keep such a memento. “I didn’t mean to worry you, though.”

   “It’s okay. I felt kind of bad. I tried waking you up but you just wouldn’t respond and I didn’t want to leave you here alone.” The woman fell back into her seat and left her concern in the back of her mind.

   “That’s kind of creepy, Petra.” You added to the conversation, a cheeky smile taking over your lips. You threw in a few brow wriggles, just for added amusement.

   In response, Petra flushed and waved her hands in denial. “No, no! I wasn’t trying to creep you out or anything!”

   “I was just teasing you.” You fought back your need to giggle by forcing a yawn, trying to act as nonchalant as possible. “I appreciate you being here though. Definitely beats having Jean watching over me.”

  “Oh, by the way, I heard the nay-say about what happened.” Petra just seemed absolutely proud of herself by catching you off guard. Did the entire room know about what happened between you and Jean? Did you really make an enemy? Surely, Jean’s livid with you and that’s why he hasn’t stopped glaring at you.

  “And lucky for him that Krista showed up.” Straining your lips, you pushed them off to the side while thinking about what you did. How could you have let your emotions overrule you like that?

  “You’re so silly.” Petra seemed to cast aside your obvious look of doubt for now. “You sound like you can take on any situation.”

  “I wouldn’t say that. I don’t think I’m very good at fighting titans. Besides, I really don’t like fighting with comrades. _Usually_.”

  “I’m sure that probably didn’t go over well in training, huh?” The wince on her face meant that she knew you received a lot of grief from that Shadis.

  “No, but I’m glad that sparing didn’t count for graduation requirements.”

  “Poor guy… that must have come at him with a shock. I’m surprised he can still look at you.” After hearing her mention it, you did notice that Jean seemed to glance over your direction every so often. It seemed that Reiner also had been taking a gander your way, too.

  “Eh, he’ll pro’lly avoid me like Connie after that.” The thought kind of struck an odd chord with you. It didn’t feel right to gain enemies here; there was no _reason_ to.

 Petra seemed struck in awe, all the meanwhile. “The Commander was right when he told me that you’re a little different.

 “Erwin spoke of me?” You pondered on this briefly. “What of?”

 “Oh when you were in the infirmary, the Commander and Levi had been discussing the details of your accident. Commander Erwin spoke in confidence that your survival was likely the effect of you being so adamant.”

 “Oh…” Although you were pretty sure that you were just called stubborn, you were beginning to form the impression that you and the Commander had some kind of relationship outside of what seemed normal. You curled your fingers delicately around your lips, feeling defeated; you tried with all your might to recall various memories about the gallant Commander but things were still murky and fragmented among your displaced thoughts.

 This was becoming real old, real fast.

    “I guess you really _can’t_ remember some things.” The woman said a little disappointedly, triggering a twitch in your brow and provoking the pitch in your voice to deepen.

   “If you know something that I don’t Petra, then please enlighten me.” You probably came off as a little stark but you didn’t care. You wished people would stop treating you like you had six legs, or better yet, if they felt compelled to do something they could start by dropping all these stupid hints and get straight to the point.

    “Ah! I’m sorry, Sev. I didn’t mean to sound like I’m hiding anything. It’s just that there are a lot of people who are pretty envious of you right now, that’s all.” Petra’s expression immediately fell sympathetic and defensive.

    “Who’d be envious of me? I’m no different than anyone else. I’m just as disposable as the next.” You softened your voice at the end of your small rant, feeling rather guilty. Why did you feel like this? Was this… survivor’s guilt?

    “Don’t say that! The Commander really cares about you, you know. He’s doing his best to make sure you’ll have a place here in the Corps even if you don’t pass your medical examination.” Were Petra’s words suppose to make you feel better? Perhapsto someone normal this kind of thing would have made them happy but to you, this made you feel hopeless. It was like someone was trying to extend your longevity unwillingly.

    “And why would the Commander care so much about a simpleton like me, Petra? It’s not like some damn piece a paper means anything.”

   Wait. A piece of paper? It’s the _paper._ You remember holding a document, an important document, given to you by the Commander a while back. Tuning the layers of distraction out, you began to claw at your face with your fingertips, eagerly trying to rediscover the meaning behind a measly little piece of paper.

_Dammit._ What kinds of important documents could have been shared with you by the Commander? Personnel files? Mission details? No, no… there wouldn’t be any reason for you to know intimate details about other militants and anything beyond collecting information about the titans would be kind of farfetched considering your rank. So if the paper had nothing to do with the military at all… then what could it have been?

    You supposed that taking out everything related to the military would make things easier, yet it seemed almost impossible for you to come up with an idea. What didnormal people keep as important documents other than plaques? Financial information? Intimate letters? Marriage proposals…?

    _...Oh god. What the hell am I even thinking?!  
_

   “Seven, are you listening to me?” Petra huffed beside you and pouted, fully displaying her intense disapproval. You arched your brows sympathetically, a mix of shame and astonishment washing over you like a tidal wave. _  
_

   “Look Sev,” she began again, “all I’m going to say is that you shouldn’t try to force yourself to remember anything. I know you want to make up for the lost time, but it’s one thing to be told and another thing to re-experience your past again.” _  
_

_And what if I don’t want to remember? What if… I’m afraid of it?_ Your body already felt like it was on the brink of destruction and the last thing you needed right now was the shock of personal demons catching back up to you. For a second time. Petra seemed to sense your anxiety. “I also wanted to remind you that your medical examination is tomorrow at midday. If things go well, then you can move onto your personal training.”

   “Training? I thought I was just going to be reevaluated?” Your interest piqued as the short woman stood up, preparing for a quick departure.

   “We’ll talk about that later. Just don’t be late, alright? Besides, it looks like I’m not the only one worried about you.” Petra’s thin feminine lips twisted upward in a smile as she pointed to the opposite side of you and at your incoming visitor. Taking a quick peek over your shoulder, you had realized that the young woman had already turned away just as you attempted to solicit more information from her.

    You were so done with mysteries. And people.

    Slipping into the bench directly next to you, it would have appeared that the brunette male was hesitant. His eyes were quite expressive and you found him a little easier to read than most, so you only assumed that he was here to say the same things you’ve been hearing for the while past.

    He sat looking at you for a moment, twiddling his thumbs nervously and breaking away to rub at his hand, before averting his gaze towards the table. “Sorry, I thought I knew what I was going to say but now that I’m here, my mind just kind of…”

    “I guess you have a lot on your mind?” You tried not to come off as contentious by pulling your arms into your lap and assessed Eren’s earnestness. Knowing that the things you two recently went through, you couldn’t have been surprised by him approaching you, right?

    “Well I kind of overheard the conversation you and Reiner were having- oh, not because I was eavesdropping, but... okay, rather I was. Well, what I meant was. Fuck.” Eren seemed pretty distracted and he tried to hide himself beneath the fringe of his hair while looking for the right words. You hadn’t have been aware that he could be so… bumbling. Judging by what you’ve heard down the vine, you thought he was confident, determined and kind of insane. “I’m sorry, Seven. I’m _so_ fucking sorry.” _  
_

   “For… what exactly? Eavesdropping while not eavesdropping?” _  
_

    “No. About what happened on our way to the training camp.” _  
_

    Slowly, you began to speculate what direction this conversation could be heading. You stayed in your place as did he, both resolved on not reviewing each other’s body language. _  
_

    “What’s there to be sorry about?” _  
_

    “I-if I didn’t transform like I did, then… then you wouldn’t hav-” _  
_

    “Stop, Jaeger. Don’t.” Your eyes lingered the top of the table, admiring the scuffs and deep gouges in the wooden top. What exactly were you suppose to say to him at this point? Did he honestly believe what happened was his fault? “It wasn’t your fault.”

    _Yeah I’m sure that’s just going to cheer him right up.  
_

   You kind of disappointed yourself at this point; this wasn’t your forte. You had already been stripped away from your comfort zone for one and you were also swimming in a sea of self-hate; you weren’t a certified counselor so you couldn’t do anything to reassure your intention from an emotional standpoint. And while you struggled to find the right words of your own, you noticed that he looked away from you to hide a very all-to-familiar expression; anguish and despair. _  
_

    “Hey…” You softened your tone, reaching to faintly touch his bicep to grab a his attention. While he pressed his elbows down into the table, his shoulders hunched forward slightly and he hung his head low, eyeing you from beneath his those lonely brows and unkempt hair; he looked more pitiful than a dog having been kicked in the ribs. “I’m not mad at you and I certainly don’t blame you for any of this mess.” Even as you tried to reason with him, you saw that he seemed to stoop lower into what looked like self-depreciation. The things that you were saying were pretty cliche and have probably been heard enough times to make someone feel sick, not any better. _  
_

    “Do… I frighten you?” _  
_

    Somehow, you just weren’t surprised that he asked you this. _  
_

    “Why would I be?” The confidence in your voice took him off guard; what he had become was of no importance to you. Eren was just another hot-headed punk with a generous amount of fuel to burn just like the rest of guys here, right? Although Eren’s anger could probably make him the incarnate of Wrath itself, he wasn’t the only one pissed off at the titans. Hell, some were even angry at the Gods themselves. _  
_

   You could also say that some even wanted to watch the world burn. _  
_

   He pulled his head up at your genuinely gentle tone and adopted a curious look, sending you shivers down your spine. “Why are you looking at me like that?” _  
_

    With a light smile on his face, he cocked his head slightly and adverted his gaze away from you out of uncertainty. Almost everyone from the former trainees squad that graduated under the 104th division intimately knew about Eren’s hatred for titans. Hell, most of them even knew that he was a titan-shifter - so why was it, after all this time, that he still appeared wavering in his own existence? _  
_

    “Jaeger.” You spoke confidently. Though he acknowledged with a solemn hum, he did not look back at you. He was acting like a child lost in his own world. _  
_

    “Jaeger.” You tried again, this time clenching your fist and digging your stubby nails into the palm of your hand. Why was he acting like like this? Did he feel that bad? Why the hell couldn’t he just look at you? _  
_

    “Er-en.” Well good news for you; he still remembered what his first name was! His turquoise eyes brimmed with rekindled surprise as they found their way to yours. He looked perplexed and excited, kind of like having been brought to a small little bakery to taste test a still-warm pie as a kid. _  
_

   Too bad you didn’t have that kind of experience to remember. _  
_

   Clearing your throat, you felt kind of strange having him stare at you innocently. You suddenly thought back to what Jean had said earlier on in the day when you had called him out; this made you mentally flinch and it made you aware of trivial things that normally you would have not paid much attention to. What were you going to say again? _  
_

   “Sor-”  
   “You shou-”

   “Go ah-”  
   “I didn-” _  
_

   “Well this is awkward.” He stated. _  
_

   “Yeah, no kidding.” You replied, a light laugh audible. _  
_

   Regardless of how silly this may have been, this was like a breath of relief. Your posture slouched and your hand found its way to your face, eagerly rearranging some of the finer details. You closed your eyes dreamily, opening your mouth and began to yawn as you were full of them. Eren eventually followed suit, your yawning having been contagious, and mirrored your indifference with a click of his jaw. _  
_

   “So how are you feeling?” Eren seemed a little more relaxed despite his body still hunched over the table. “Levi told me about the injuries you sustained.” _  
_

   This guy certainly didn’t know how to hide his emotions. His guilt hung in his voice and he just looked overall horrible just talking about this. You could only wonder how he felt. _  
_

   “My ribs are sore and sometimes that bothers me, but otherwise good.” You fell quiet. You weren’t sure what to say. You didn’t know him well enough to be able to find the right words to console and ease him. Where was Armin? He knew how to say the right things. _  
_

   “What about that medical examination? Is that going to keep you from fighting with us?” _  
_

   “I’m going to need some time to heal. I’m not broken. Unless you’re here to teach me how to heal as fast as lightning.” _  
_

   You saw the way his face molded into a grimace and immediately you knew you messed up. _Probably shouldn’t have said anything about healing… or lightning. Man, this is just turning out to be one hell of a day._

   Another second later, you found those observant turquoise eyes gazed at you curiously right before you could recognize that he had been laughing.

   “Hah?” Was he laughing at you?

   “ _ **No!**_ ” Now he was scolding you like a pet having done something bad. How could he go from laughing to angry so quickly? “No! Do not ‘hah’ me. Ever again. You sounded like that raspy mule just now.” Your eyes settled on his hand pointing over to the opposite side of the room and trailed over to the ash blonde male that he was referencing to. You didn’t linger long either, for you were still pissed, but why was it that Jean was looking back at you conveniently this time? 

   Oh. He wasn’t. He just turned his head to sneeze. 

   “Who? Kirschstein?” You didn’t even think about it, to be honest. “I’d rather sound like him than Connie’s nasally ass.” 

   “...ugh.” Eren didn’t know which was worse at this point and it was written all on his face. He just didn’t want to admit that, out of all scenarios, that you were right. “All of a sudden, I’m feeling lucky to be myself…” 

   Feeling that things were finally progressing a little, Eren smiled and chuckled softly towards you while getting his body adjusted back into a comfortable sitting posture. With a leg on either side of the seat, he leaned in on the table to keep himself propped up. “You know, I wanted to ask you something while I have the chance.” 

   “Sure. Go ahead.” 

   “What the hell happened earlier? What did Jeanny boy do to you that pissed you off like that?” 

   “Oh, that.” Suddenly you felt a pang of embarrassment. “Uh, h-he just surprised me. I don’t like surprises.” 

   “He surprised _you?_ ” Eren theatrically posed with a finger on his chin. “If I remember correctly, last autumn there was a group of people who tried to scare you by dressing up as thugs and trying to mug you. Not only did you not flinch, you actually scared us with the way you waved around your knife and flashed us a devious smile. What about later that night when someone tried to pop out of one of the closets? You didn’t even bat a lash! It’s hard to believe that someone surprised you. Other than Mikasa, I didn’t know anyone’s senses could be so accurately sharp. Hell, I didn’t even think you were capable of fighting.” 

   He had a point… but you countered with another of your own. 

   “Sounds like you were in on all those tactics, Jaeger. Care to explain why?” The look on his face was positively priceless and in turn, you developed a smug little smile for all to see. 

   “Oh… well uh, we thought-” 

   “We?” You were now very enthralled with every little detail. “Could you elaborate on who all joined you?” 

   Shifting uncomfortably in his seat, Eren pulled at the hem of his shirt and gazed at the heads of the others. Slowly but surely, the people who had come were slowly shifting out for the night, but that also wasn’t the current topic. 

   “Come on, you can tell me.” You simply purred, along with a touch of underlying wickedness ever present. 

   “We just noticed that, you know… that you were always alone and isolated. We thought you were lonely?” Hell, even Jean sounded more convincing when he was lying. At least Eren hadn’t been spying on you by his lonesome like that sickly, perverted, ash-headed jackass from earlier. 

   “I wasn’t lonely. I was just focused on surviving.” You replied very dryly. You were kind of hoping for a little more desirable information. 

   “So uh, you didn’t make a single friend along the way?” Now he was just derailing and desperately trying to back pedal. You hesitated for a moment as you briefly wondered where this was going to go. 

   “I had a few associates, I suppose.” For the time being, you decided to muse his curiosity. 

   “That doesn’t really sound very interesting.” 

   “Well yeah. It’s not like a lot of people care about what I do.” Twisting your torso around, you planted your feet away from the table. Your eyes carelessly roamed the stone wall and found their way to a mirror in which you could see people still mingling. 

   “I didn’t think someone could sound so distrusting, either.” 

   “Eh. I guess old habits die hard.” You admitted. 

   “So you normally keep people at a distance like this?” 

   There was a lingering hesitance from you as you took your time to reflect on your inner feelings. “Not intentionally.” In truth, that had become a familiar question to you. Why did you keep people at arm’s length? Just what in the world did you do that was so horrible that even your own mind hid from itself? 

   “We spent the last three years together, right? You can actually, heaven forbid, trust someone here.” 

   Chuckling under your breath, you smiled faintly and pondered why you wanted to keep away from all of this in the first place. Whatever the reason, you found his words endearing and deep; like he had spoken the language of ancient truths long forgotten. If this is what his lot of misfits felt when he convinced them of their joining the Corps, then you knew why they felt obligated. You could tell by the way he used his eyes to scan over you for any hint of response that he was trying to remind you of one simple thing: you only live once. Even then, sometimes it’s not for very long either. 

   “Thank you.” You felt a sense of minor relief when the pounding between your eyes subsided. 

   “Ah- don’t thank me.” Eren replied sheepishly. “I’m just really glad you’re alright. I don’t know what I’d do if I had hurt you, too.” 

_Ah. So that’s why he’s acting like this._ You heard about what he did in Trost, after he had transformed into a titan and all. He probably still felt guilty about turning on Mikasa. If you were in his shoes, just being able to transform into the thing that you hated the most would be overwhelming, let alone knowing that you’ve hurt someone precious to you because of it. 

   “Well you didn’t, so you don’t have to worry about me anymore. I’m sure the investigation party is more concerned on who abducted a military cadet, don’t you think?” 

   “Yeah. I guess you’re right.” His hand met at the base of his neck, rubbing out of habit you assumed. 

   “Well then I’m going to turn in, I think. See ya’ later, Jaeg-” 

   “It's Eren.” 

   “What?” 

   “Just call me Eren.” 

   “Oh… okay.” _I guess it’s appropriate_ , you thought to yourself. Taking a stand, and a mild stretch, you looked over your shoulder and waved. Perhaps with what he said lingering fresh in your brain, this could be the start of something good for you. “Goodnight… Eren.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another thank you to [Rii](http://archiveofourown.org/users/griito) for helping me out with the editing. 
> 
> Also, sorry I'm such a slow writer! I tend to be over critical about writing and this second half actually changed drastically from the original! I probably ended up writing this four times before I was satisfied with the conclusion of this. Writing in this point of view is much more challenging that I had anticipated, too! I'm normally much more comfortable with writing in third person, so that by itself intimidates me. Let me know if there's anything I should work on! Sentence structure seems to be pretty difficult considering the shift in style... but otherwise I'm having fun. I hope you are too!
> 
> Next part features a change in perspective; you'll be reading in someone else's point of view! ;D Someone just can't keep you out of their head.


	6. Chapter 6

    “It’s not even the crack of dawn and already I’m geared up and expecting another one hell-of-a-day.” Sitting all to himself, along with his bowl of morning porridge, Jean had been the first to arrive at mess hall. Even then the sun had barely begun its ascent into the morning sky, which begged the question: what was it that consumed the young man? You, of course. And what could have disheartened a young man, ever so charged with testosterone, to a point where thinking about a woman such as yourself would cause him a world of grief? Well for starters, force feeding him a can of worms with a side order of whoop-ass was giving him indigestion for the brain. Ew.

    As embarrassing as yesterday was, Jean was surprised he was able to put it aside so quickly... but the catch was that he was self-conscience. A grade-A stallion such as himself should not be stuck in limbo like he was; there were plenty-a-fish out there in the vast land of humanity, so he should have been able to move away from this and march forward, right?

    Wrong.

    What began to plague his mind was his account on finding you that night almost two weeks ago. Then it quickly shifted back to what had transpired yesterday, you being ever lively, if somewhat more reserved, and selling a man a punch with a joke. His thoughts spiraled out of control ever since you put him back into place - and honestly you were justified in his book - but he kept wondering: how mad were you with him? Did he make you feel unsafe? Did you feel uncomfortable around him? Why the hell did he let Reiner talk him into it in the first place? What was the whole point of the prank, again? Would he ever be able to live out a normal life, find love, have kids, and own a house? Probably not in this lifetime. Still, it made a man wonder what kind of life he'd have only six months from now. Would he be dead or alive? What kinds of scars would he have? Would he be able to retire early from this unreliable, and often fatal, lifestyle?

    "Who am I kidding." Most of his idle day-dreams were an unlikely, farfetched idea at best. There was nothing concrete in his life - hell, he had been reduced to tell his ever-worrying mother that the next time he came home he might not even be alive. Or in one piece.

    Sighing, Jean's shoulders would have nearly gave away from beneath him if he hadn't already dug his elbows improperly into the wooden table. Normally, Jean would wake himself up every morning and find that he'd have to remind himself of the reason he chose the Corps over the MPs. He knew the risks. He knew them well before he trembled in fear, barely able to keep himself from running away from the Commander’s fear inducing speech. He knew what he was dying for, too. However he found himself never thinking about what he feared.

    Did you feel the same way when you had been abducted? He did not know and to be truthful, he wasn't sure if he wanted to find out. What was he afraid of? What kind of things really frightened him? If it hadn't been for you, he wouldn't have remembered what made him tremble. It wasn't an object, it wasn't a person, it wasn't even an animal. The kind of thing he feared happened to be something that even books could not accurately describe with words alone. So what was the very thing that you helped him remember? What was he absolutely terrified of more than anything else?

    The fear of the unknown.

    Sighing, Jean took another mouthful of the most plain tasting breakfast known to mankind. Yeah, these were the things that he thought about. One moment, he could have been drowning himself in a world of torment and heartache while the next could have been fleeting thoughts of what made the day before. Or more.

    “Jean? Dude, what the hell are you doing here so early?”

    “Just trying to clear my head.” Jean responded to Connie, also fully dressed in standard issued garb. “I heard some weird shit last night, man. Did you hear it?”

    Sliding into a seat parallel to Jean, Connie dropped his bowl and took a bite of his grainy white slush before he responded. “I don’t know. That storm last night made it hard to hear anything other than the beating rain. That by itself kept me up for most of the night.”

    For a while, they both sat in a peaceful silence as their bodies began to warm up. However after a while, Jean’s expression hardened and went back into a thoughtful trance; there were things that bothered him.

    It was understandable that you got mad. It was understandable that he pushed you over a boundary that warranted aggressive behavior (because it was certainly the threat of violence that made him pay attention). What bothered him was how you did it. No, it wasn’t how you did it… it was the way you looked at him right before you served him up.

    Her eyes. They were beyond distant. Her eyes were… hollow.

    “You alright, man?” Connie interrupted. “You’ve been staring at your bowl for the last six minutes.”

    Jean cracked his aching neck with a flick of his muscles before straightening himself up. “Eh, I’m just overthinking things a little. I think.”

    “Over thinking what happened a few weeks ago? To Sev, I mean.” Connie was rightfully cautious in how he voiced his curiosity and concern to Jean. Every now and then Jean could be a real jerk, especially when under a lot of stress, and with the way that ash-blonde guy looked this morning he was sure that he’d smack him at any second.

    “Something like that.” Jean was unusually soft spoken despite the irritability with himself.

    “Well you know what they say. If you got things on your mind, then talk about it." A blonde soldiers tray hit the table with dissatisfaction over today's boring choice of breakfast. He also brought along a yellow apple for what would be added to his meal.

    “Wow Reiner, you sound like a crusty ol’ bear this morning." Connie said with surprise.

    "I didn't get a wink of sleep with the storm that blew through." Reiner started growling, "The wind kept at the window and the rain drenched us."

    "That just means you'll likely get new rooms until they can repair it." Connie pointed his fork to both Reiner and Bertholdt. "Wonder if they'll stick you in by the new barracks."  

    "Isn't that where they moved Sev for recovery?" Jean inquired as Sasha wedged herself in next to Connie and Reiner.

    "Rumor has it that there's going to be some new special ops squad. That's probably why they built the new barracks in the first place. It was only made to accommodate for a few people."

    "And you know that how, Sasha?"

    "Jean you're such a stick in the mud. We went snooping in there a while ago. Found some papers and stuff. It's nothing special." Sasha continued to elaborate to the rest of the table of her findings. The chatter was kept to a low buzz, but something just didn’t come together cleanly for Jean.

    "Alright. What’s the matter now?" Connie insisted. “We’ve got to clean the stables today and I don’t want to deal with your head in the clouds.”

    Jean was content with letting Connie hang on the line for a minute as he tried to reorganize the mess in his head. Jean's hazel eyes lingered aimlessly as he turned his brain on overdrive, tapping his finger obnoxiously against the table. _Damn, Sasha's voice is so... loud. A-and Bertholdt is such a pansey. I-I can't think._ It didn't help that Connie's eyes were just boring into him, either. They were both restless and Jean just couldn't figure out where to start.

    “Fuck it.” Jean’s growling certainly hushed anyone around him. Generally an outburst like that meant that he was going to fight someone. “I just don’t fucking get it. I don’t get her at all.” Jean’s fist clashed like furious angels against the dinning table for added effect.

    “Well no shit. She’s a girl. The first time you think you understand everything, they go and blow that shit out of the water.” Connie shrugged and followed up with another bite of his mush. Apparently he knew this feeling all too well by the way his facial expression turned into sympathy.

    “No, dammit. This isn’t like one of your flings.” Jean pulled himself back into an upright position, pointing a finger accusingly at his best friend.

    “So what, you got a serious thing for her? Did she knock some sense into you, literally?” Connie’s thin lips worked themselves into a proud smug. “Actually Jean, Sev would be perfect for you. I mean, she can put that mouth of yours in place!”

    Everyone chuckled at the thought. You probably could tame Jean-boy.

    Frustrated with all the flack, Jean took his spork and sent its wedged fingers straight into the wooden table beneath him. Mumbling through his teeth, Jean looked at the bald-headed toothpick and said, "Dammit Connie, I swear it's like I'm talking to a wall."

    “Woah! Take it easy, Jean!” Bertholdt did not seem to approval of Jean’s use of his utensils.

    “Okay, okay.” Becoming just as restless, Connie slouched and crossed his arms over his head. “What’s on your mind, man?”

    “We both graduated from the top ten, right? Well as sad as it is to say it, I felt like she just owned me. Like, really just-”

    “Showed you up?”

    “Yes. Kind of. Sort- hell no!” Jean sighed, resting his elbows on top of table so that he could smash his face into his palms. “Seriously man, it pisses me off that she basically wasted good talent. I mean, where the fuck did that come from? Sure, I’ve gotten into it with some of shady creeps before when I was a kid, but I have never seen that kind of submission style. It’s so-”

    “Soft? Yeah, she’s got some killer thighs.” Sasha added in dreamily… and considering she was sitting at a table full of young and inexperienced men, most of them coughed and/or adjusted themselves awkwardly. Talk about a wake-up call…

    "Hey! Shut up. I want to hear what Jean has to say." The look of Reiner's face never improved from before and he definitely looked as if he'd had enough with all the fun and games. "I always thought she was holding back."

    "Easy enough for you to say..." Jean grumbled, "but I'm glad I'm not crazy. Finally someone who understands what I'm talking about."

    "What is there to understand? Jean went and pissed off a quiet person. You know it's always the silent ones who turn out to be one of the crazies." Sasha shook her head.

    "Jean. Just start from the beginning." Reiner leaned forward into the breakfast table, surrounded by the rest of your associates.

    Jean habitually ran his fingers up the back of his neck and through his cropped hair. He drew in and dragged out his breathing as he thought about where to begin.

    "We left the next morning, but the clouds drenched us in melancholy."

###  _Story Mode: Jean’s View_

    The first day was like something ripped straight out from a horror book. The wind was fierce, the low growl from above felt like a magnitude of falling rocks rippling through our bodies. What happened to Eren was unexpected to say the least, but the timing of it all was kind of terrifying as we still weren’t fully recovered from learning that she was kidnapped.

    “Did you find anything yet?” Levi had been on horseback, trailing back to where Armin and I searched for any clues that might help us form a picture. We had come to a fork in the road where everything happened.

    “Whatever tracks were left behind are now being washed away. We were too late, Corporal.” Armin shouted, hunched over and still examining the rock formations along with some of the deepest gashes left imprinted in the soil.

    “What about you, Kirschstein?” Levi turned to me and to his disappointment, I could only stay silent for the next few moments. I tried to think about what I would do if it was me who fell off my horse. Where would I go?

    “I don’t know…” I muttered quietly, my stomach churning just thinking about losing another comrade. “Even if she did fall off her horse, wouldn’t she have come back to base? If she had lost consciousness, then she shouldn’t have gotten very far. We— we’d have at least found something.”

    Goddamn it to hell.

    “We would have found some kind of fray of her uniform or some kind of metal scrapings from her gear if that were the case.” Armin added, never once moving away from the small little area of interest. Levi’s stare never did falter either; actually, I happen to think it kind of intensified. His stare was abnormally colder than what I was use to seeing.

    “Sir. If we were to assume that she had been injured, the closest location to find some kind of medical aide would be at the training grounds. That’s where I’d go if I were stranded.” I turned to face the Corporal as I spoke, gesturing northbound towards the outpost.

    “It’s plausible.” Levi was barely audible over the pouring rain which was currently tearing away at the ground. He clicked his tongue while weighing his options and I figured I would pull Armin away from the mud puddle now forming in front of him.

    “Come on, let’s go.” I muttered to him, forcing him back over to our mounts as I quickly made myself on top of the especially bred stallions. We both looked towards the Corporal as we expected an order.

    “You two will head eastbound,” the raven haired man approached us on horseback, practically yelling over the rolling thunder, “there’s a small village shielded within a woodland a few kilometers from here. I’m going to head over to the outpost but I want you two to search for anything out of the ordinary. Use the signal flares if you happen to come across something.”

    That man. That wicked mongrel. He knew I wanted to ask something before we parted ways, but he turned and rode off anyway, leaving me and Armin to follow his awfully vague orders. Why head east when the goal was north? Regardless of what I thought, we both had to move on quickly.

    We were silent for a few minutes, using our eyes to scan the area as we carefully rode our horses into the darkening sky. At one point of time, I almost fell off my saddle because the winds had been so strong and poor Armin looked as if he was barely able to keep on at all. It was then that the rain had eased off, allowing us to come to a mutual stop while it sprinkled. We were cold and soaked to our bones.

    “Armin, at this rate it’ll be like looking for a needle in a haystack. There’s got to be something more efficient than running blind.” I wanted to know what was in that little brain of his; he had been so quiet for too long and I had a hunch that he was trying to think ahead of the game.

    “Jean, don’t you find it a little odd that the Corporal went towards the training grounds by himself?” Armin questioned.

    “No. Not really.” To be honest, I really didn’t even want to discuss it. A little white lie goes a long way, right? “He’s just trying to cover more ground. The longer we take to find her, the more negative possibilities are created. Using our signal flares, we’ll be able to alert each other if we stumble upon something.”

    “If that was the case Jean, don’t you think he would have asked one of us to go a third direction?”

    A sudden realization hit me like a fucking cast-iron pan to the back of my head. “So the Corporal doesn’t think he’s going to find her at the outpost?”

    Armin shook his head silently. “I think he’s only checking to give the benefit of the doubt. Also, there’s nothing but hills going back west, so it leaves us to press in this direction until we find something.”

    “Then what’s farther north? Is there a possibility that she could ha-” I stopped short, suddenly rethinking the entire situation. Before, I was only seeing things in small pieces and analyzing them separately. “Armin. What is it that you’re trying to get at?”

    If only just this once he wouldn’t say what I think is happening. Just this one time.

    “I don’t think this was an accident, Jean.” I felt my heart drop. I was not ready for this. I didn’t care if she was close to me or not — I just couldn’t do this.

    I didn’t want anything to happen to her. I didn’t want to have to stumble across another body of someone I knew. Sure, I didn’t know her very well but it made me sick to think of not being able to do anything. I didn’t want to feel helpless again. I didn’t want to find her laying waste all because we couldn’t get to her before time ran out.

    What if… she was suffering right now?

    “So what? Armin. This is ridiculous. Are you saying that Eren was a distraction? He can’t even control his anger, that cretin.” Sometimes I wish I could stop being the only man asking the questions that I don’t want to know the answers to.

    “Not by choice, no. I think it was coincidental. His shift was incomplete and he was just trying to reach for his watering can.”

    When I thought about what he was saying, I began to retrace what had happened right before things turned chaotic. Armin and Mikasa had been up front with the Corporal, Eren, and the rest of the special ops squad the day before, so if something would have happened they would have been the first to know. I, on the other hand, had been squabbling with Sasha after she came close to ramming into a group of travelers because of some damn linty potato that she had been saving in her pocket. I remember that Reiner was busy giving some advice to Connie, in which if I could guess, was also meant to raise that kid’s self-esteem.

    “So then what…?” I mumbled to myself.

    “I think it was because of the rock.” Armin added thoughtfully, nodding in agreement as he calmed his antsy horse.

    “What rock?” I knew he had been keeping something from me. “If we want to figure this thing out, you have to tell me everything, dammit.”

    “A-ah sorry! I thought you knew!” Armin apologetically called with his eyes pleading for forgiveness. “Eren got hit by a stray rock when he was reaching for his canteen. I think that made him… malfunction. Or something.”

    “Dammit, that fool!” I groaned as I basically facepalmed myself, shaking my head and completely taken with anger. “That idiotic experimental gerbil. He’s more fucking trouble than he’s worth… Armin, let’s go. I’ve got a bad feeling about all of this.”

    Nodding towards each other, we both continued to ride into the distance. It didn’t take us very long, but we reached the small village like that devil told us to. We took the initiative to even ask a few of the nervous bystanders with no avail. The rain fell harder than previously at this point, which made us take shelter under the fullest tree we could find. Matters never got any better when the Corporal rendezvous without her either, only leaving us a little more desperate to figure out what in the world could have gone wrong.

    “I assume that your huddling means that she didn’t turn up here, either.” Levi rhetorically stated, standing next to us with the same wet and mopped haired look as the two of us. If the situation hadn’t been so soiled, I might have found this amusing. “We’ll need to return to base. The weather is becoming too caustic to continue.”

    “S-sir!” Both Armin and I immediately jumped against his decision. “We can’t just lea-”

    “Cadets!” Levi disputed his case with a feral growl, “Have you learned nothing about your comrade?”

    Armin and I exchanged doubtful looks, uncertain about how to respond or even dispute our opinions. The truth of the matter was… that we didn’t know anything about her. I also found Levi to be a temperamental prick on most occasions, however I had to trust his judgement. Besides, when I glanced back up towards the blackening sky I instinctively knew that he was right.

    “She’s no stranger to these kinds of situations. Stop acting like a bunch of brats and remember what you’ve been taught. Now get back on your damn horses and let’s get back to base. We’ll discuss our findings and figure out our next move.”

    I followed orders silently, mounting my horse and riding alongside both the Corporal and Armin.

### Story Mode: Normal

    “Mmm…” Reiner’s voice reverberated bleakly, adjusting himself in his seat after Jean stopped talking after a while. “What about the rest of the three days? We know that you guys left pretty early in the morning and didn’t stop until sundown.”

    “Yeah. It was miserable in all the wrong ways.” Jean nodded in agreement, looking up over himself at Connie who had shifted himself closer to the edge to hear.

    “What happened next?” Sasha asked softly, trying not to push Jean any farther than he already was.

    Sighing, Jean rubbed at the middle of his forehead with his fingertips. “Well the next two days we came up empty handed. We searched farther passed that old run down village for hours. We even split up in multiple directions looking for something. Anything. It was like she just disappeared.” Jean stood up from his resting position, stretching his arms over his head and flexing the rigid muscles in his back. “Levi kept to himself for the most part, but did tell us that finding her was a priority otherwise the Commander was going to have to write her out a deserter by the end of the next day.”

    “How the hell did you find her, then?”

    “Well on our way back on the third day, Armin made a point that she couldn’t have gone anywhere other than the training grounds or that village without a horse. Even if she did go further, there’s only untouched wilderness and farming land out there and with the kind of weather we rode in, there’s just no way she would have gone far by foot.” Reexamining the process in his mind, Jean touched his chin with his fingers and paced slowly.

    “So on the fourth day, Levi and Armin set back out to the other outpost and Hanji tagged along with me out east. We figured that considering she’s pretty nosey, she might be able to find something we overlooked in that village.”

    “And you found something.” Connie’s voice made others look up at him curiously.

    “Damn right we did.” Jean’s voice lowered a few volumes before hoisting himself up on top of the table. With one foot curled up against his chest and the other one dangling out in front of him, he looked as renewed as ever. “When we got there, we didn’t find a thing.”

    “Hold up. You just said you found something though.” Intervening, Reiner raised a hand and shot a bewildered stare. “How can you find something if you didn’t find something?”

    “But that is the find. We found nothing. Not a damn thing. Everyone just upped and left. Gone. Disparu.”

    “What?” Connie scooted forward on the edge of the bench, eyes filled with intrigue. Jean only nodded in the same state of surprise, as if he were listening to the story for the first time while someone else was telling it.

    “Yeah man. We searched in the houses and even they were empty. Like no one had been living in there at all.”

    “So I take it that’s how you found her?” Eren asked. It was obvious that Jean's story had captured the ears of the filled room. Eren had been the closest in terms of seating arrangement as he had been at the next table over with Mikasa and Armin.

    “Sorta… See, every time I passed that village I noticed this very beat up ol’ cabin, far off and neglected but there was always someone outside it. I didn’t think much about it at the time.”

    “You don’t think they were guarding it, do you?” Eren looked like he was going to be sick. The things they could have done to you… it was too hard to really think about it.

    “Hanji had been searching the village when I decided to check this cabin out. It looked deceptively normal, but there was this hidden room… a-and then I found her. There was this stark black crow and s-she looke- God, this is so fucked up but she looked like she was sleeping until I-I…”

    “Jean.” Eren stood up and grabbed a hold of Jean’s shoulder and for once, he offered the guy a little silent empathy.

    “Who could have just… kidnapped her? I mean, they did it right in front of us. How could they’ve…”

    “...hey, Jean?” Connie sounded as if he wasn’t sure to even say anything. “Did, well…”

    “Spit it out, Connie.” Sasha lent her hand to his shoulder.

    “That village is actually apart of the training grounds to help us with advanced maneuvering, right?”

    “Yeah. What of it?”

    “I'm _pretty_ sure civilians aren't suppose to living inside an active outpost.”

    Everyone’s eyes widened at the same time and the immediate circle of listeners fell absolutely silent.

    “Dammit!” Jean growled, sending the palm of his hand straight into the bridge of his nose in a furious fit of rage. “I’m such fool! I’ve got to report something to the Corporal.”

    “W-wait! Hey! Jean!”

    Before anyone could do anything, Jean was already out the door and gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I'm sorry that I disappeared for a while! I haven't ignored this, just lots of big changes happened to me, that's all. I enrolled into college over the summer and now that I'm in my fall semester, I'm slowly starting to adjust my time management. I also was in a sling for over working my tendons among other things... so all in all, if I haven't been drafting, I just haven't been able to post. So I apologize!
> 
> I also took the time I had to really analyze what I had done so far and I have to say, I feel like I learned so much already! Originally this was suppose to be a very short story (only a few short chapters long) but now it's obviously moved away from that. I know this is suppose to be a reader, and it really is, and I just want to take the time to say that there's a reason why the reader/your name is Seven and I hope you're around long enough to find out why. ;)
> 
> I also want to say thank you for reading! If there are any suggestions on how maybe I can improve things, please let me know (especially if it concerns SNK character personalities)!


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